Welcome to Kirkwall
by Tera253
Summary: A peek into the nonsense that ensues when pizza gets stolen and gambling is done. Do our heroes have what it takes to avoid the wrath of Meredith and Orsino?


AUTHOR'S NOTES: this is just another senseless comedy. Take nothing seriously. Or do—it won't matter either way. It may or may not have references to my bad comedy, The Boiling Rock, including but not limited to the Hokey Pokey.

Rated T for a bit of vulgar language.

*Our story opens up with VARRIC being interrogated*

VARRIC: so no shit! There I was in front of the Maker himself…

CASSANDRA: BULLSHIT!

*suddenly someone smashes through the wall. When the dust clears, AVELINE and FENRIS are standing there with sunglasses solely for the effect*

AVELINE: VARRIC we've got no time to lose!

VARRIC: oh! The contract started today then! Welp, sorry Seeker. Gotta run! *all three of them leave*

FENRIS: you know, that really wasn't much of an opening.

AVELINE: next time you can man-punch the wall with your bare fist and tell me how it goes.

VARRIC: you man-punched the wall? I will hand it to you. That is awesome. But, let's stop and think about this for a bit. We need a plan—it'll give this story some purpose.

FENRIS: first it would help to know what we're running from.

TEMPLAR #6: THERE THEY ARE! GET 'EM!

VARRIC: Templars. There we go, FENRIS.

AVELINE: then we make for ORSINO'S pizza vault. They will never check in there.

FENRIS: they raided the place last week. You were there.

AVELINE: I will not have such lies and slander fill my ears. TO THE PIZZA CHAMBERS!

*at the pizza chambers*

DOOR: State your name and your purpose.

FENRIS: an enchanted door… well that's a surprise.

AVELINE: I'll say. That wasn't here last week.

VARRIC: we're here to steal the pizzas.

DOOR: Access granted *opens*

AVELINE: well some enchantment that was.

SANDAL: ENCHANTMENT!?

*inside the pizza chambers…*

VARRIC: now nobody move. Stepping on any of these floor tiles will trigger 1,703 psychotic screaming mages that will eat us alive.

FENRIS: I call shenanigans. *steps on tile*

PSYCHOTIC MAGE #193: HOIYOHYHOHHYOOYIIYIYOOHOYOOOOOOOOIIIIOOO!

VARRIC: you had to try it! Say hello, BIANCA!

BIANCA: *shoots the mage, who stops moving*

AVELINE: now quick, grab the pizzas before more mages get here.

FENRIS: won't the Templars see us though?

AVELINE: I took care of them (flashback…)

*AVELINE has acquired HOKEY-POKEY staff from IROH & TOPH*

TEMPLAR #68: STOP RIGHT THERE!

AVELINE: NONE CAN STAND BETWEEN A FERELDAN AND HER PIZZA, EVIL FIEND! *swings staff*

TEMPLARS: AND YOU DO THE HOKEY POKEY AND YOU SHAKE IT ALL ABOUT! (end Flashback…)

VARRIC: we got the pizza. FENRIS, it's back to your house with us now.

FENRIS: *sighs in defeat* fine. But my debt to you is now cleared. (Meanwhile, back in the gallows…)

BETHANY: First Enchanter! Someone has robbed the pizza vault!

ORSINO: nonsense! No one can get through those enchantments!

SANDAL: ENCHANTMENT!?

BETHANY: I told you that hiring psychotic bloodthirsty mages hell-bent on sending everyone they meet straight to the morgue wasn't a good ide—actually that's pretty smart.

ORSINO: THEN WHAT WENT WRONG!?

BETHANY: Well, the Templars got them.

ORSINO: CURSE YOU MEREDITH! CURSE YOU! *shakes fist at the air*

*MEREDITH literally appears out of nowhere*

BETHANY: where did you learn to appear out of nowhere, Knight-Commander?

MEREDITH: luck and dumb skill. And… *reads script* for the purpose of the story.

BETHANY: *snatches up script* where did you get this?

MEREDITH: well, we're still waiting for the 4th wall to come in, so I snatched up that script I found. Nothing escapes the Knight-Commander's eye anyways.

ORSINO: MEREDITH we have a huge problem on our hands.

MEREDITH: if this is about your stupid pizzas, then I will just say I told you so!

ORSINO: think of all the disappointed little children! Surely if those responsible knew what they had done, they would be in tears of guilt right now. (Meanwhile, at FENRIS' mansion…)

AVELINE: hey guys, guess what? I heard that these pizzas were originally for orphans.

VARRIC: well ORSINO did a bad job at protecting them.

FENRIS: seconded. Now they are ours. We stole them fair and square according to the rules.  
AVELINE: fair enough *munch munch* (Back at the Gallows…)

ORSINO: oh and your Templars are doing the hokey pokey.

MEREDITH: THIS WILL NOT BE TOLERATED! THE CRIMINALS MUST BE BROUGHT IN AT ONCE!

RANDOM MAGE #208: How do you intend to do that?

MEREDITH: the same way I do anything around here… drive it into the ground!  
*MEREDITH punches the ground and the Templars stop doing the hokey pokey*

MEREDITH: *holds up posters of VARRIC, FENRIS, & AVELINE* ALL OF YOU! I WANT THEM DEAD!

TEMPLARS: UNDERSTOOD COMMANDER!

*Meanwhile back at FENRIS' mansion, FENRIS, AVELINE, & VARRIC are playing a game of Wicked Grace using ORSINO'S pizzas as betting material.

TEMPLARS: *suddenly burst through the front door* SURRENDER!

VARRIC: let me handle this you guys

AVELINE: I'm the one with the hokey-pokey staff.

FENRIS: yeah well this is my house *approaches Templars* 'sup?

TEMPLAR #139: we have a warrant for the arrest of three fugitives who stole pizza from ORSINO's pizza-vault. Are your pizzas obtained legally?

FENRIS: is gambling legal?

TEMPLAR #71: NO.

FENRIS: in that case, I disavow any knowledge of gambling occurring in my house.

TEMPLAR #71: he's legit. Let's go.

TEMPLAR #139: thank you for your time *they both leave*

FENRIS: *swaggers back into the other room* and that, my friends, is how it is done.

AVELINE: did you really just tell them you were innocent and they bought it? That was brilliant.

FENRIS: they'll be back of course.

VARRIC: darn tootin'

AVELINE: so let's get out of here while we can!

FENRIS: YEEEEHAW!

Where are we going? How should I know? Do I look like the leader of this merry band of misfits?

Find out in chapter 2, perhaps.


End file.
